The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
