Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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