Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
