every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
