ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
