News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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