How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
