he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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