your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
