I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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