Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
