also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
