Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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