I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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