I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
