everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
