Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
