don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
