Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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