so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
