I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
