between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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