Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
