the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
