So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
