Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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