So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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