Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
