you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
