$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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