I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
