toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
