New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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