please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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