Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Green mimosas i think yes
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
