Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Shame - the story of my life.
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