After last night, I could never be a politician.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
