You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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