im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
