Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
