WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
