I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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