Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
