I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
