I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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