I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
