Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
