Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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