god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
