i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
