3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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