Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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