dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
