I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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