there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
