They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize