so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
