her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
