It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
